The Common Denominator

We all know what a common denominator is. It is a commonly shared trait or number. But how about in your personal life? What does it mean when we refer to a personal common denominator?

If I have an issue with a boyfriend, lets say he cheats on me, than I’m going to feel rather victimized. He did this to me! And I’d be right if that were the only one. What if my next boyfriend cheated on me? And the next? That would make ME the common denominator. In other words, it would behoove me to start looking at the role that I’m playing out in these scenarios.

We all have common denominators. Some are more prevalent than others. Anytime something is repeated again and again in your world, this is the case. It is showing you that you have an unconscious pattern at play. To continue to blame it on someone or something else just keeps the healing of this pattern at arm’s length.

Here’s one of my common denominators. I had an argument with my husband last night and it left me feeling not enough. I felt like I was just not measuring up. I had also had an interaction with a friend of mine last month and the same feeling came up. I left the interaction feeling not enough. I have a Facebook friend that, through our interactions, I often feel undone, or not enough.

So who is the common denominator in each of these scenarios? Me. I could easily blame my husband and my friends. I could look at all of the ways in which I feel that they have belittled me. And perhaps, on some level, that has happened. But I have absolutely no control over anyone but me.

Here’s the lowdown. Lets say that these people in my life were, in fact, belittling me. The only way in which that could even be possible would be for me to open that door for them. I would already need to have a sign that said, “Open for Belittling.” If the sign said “Closed,” those interactions could not have taken place. And if they did, the result would not have been me feeling not enough. I would have recognized the nature of the interaction and I would have extricated myself. Or spoken up. I would have done the opposite of feeling like I was not enough. I would have felt that I was made up of much more than what this person was currently offering in that moment and walked away feeling relieved and at peace with myself.

But that’s not what happens when we have an unconscious pattern that has yet to be revealed and healed. All it takes is for someone to rub up against that wound and it starts to bleed all over again. And from that perspective, the people in our lives that trigger us are doing us a favor. They’re reminding us that we still have something that needs healing.

Resist the temptation to blame and embrace the difficult task of accepting your role in this. It will ultimately free you from the bondage of feeling bad.

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